I love stand-up comedy. One thing that’s great about it is that no matter how hard you try no stand-up show is exactly the same. I like to listen to comedy albums over and over again not just to enjoy the humor again, but to try and pick up on all the little imperfections and subtleties of the show itself. Did anything happen at the particular show this comedian recorded and decided to sell to fans that wasn’t planned? Here’s me reading way into Doug Stahope’s “Sicko”.

This is Doug Stanhope’s first full-length album, which came out in 1999 and was taped the previous November, is a really good road album. At the time Doug is doing almost all road work an it does feel that way on the album. He doesn’t steer off course much at all and is tons looser on his other albums. “Sicko” is not actually the first album as Doug released an EP called The Great White Stanhope. “Sicko” was recorded where Stanhope’s three first albums were all recorded, The Houston Laff Stop. Here’s the track list:

NO HOLDS BARRED · MOM · SOMEONE’S BEEN SLEEPING IN MY BED · TRUCKERS · ECSTASY · FOR THE MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING · THE PERFECT GIRL · TITS ARE ILLEGAL · SMOKE THIS! · TERRIBLE PIECE OF ASS · THE BANANA LADY · SICKO · THE TRANSVESTITE HOOKER INCIDENT · BIG DICK DREAMS · $5

No Holds Barred starts off with the opening act Sean Rouse’s introduction, “Ladies and gentlemen, Doug Stanhope.” That’s it. No credits, no huge build up, just Doug Stanhope is the last comedian. Also I think it’s interesting that Sean Rouse is the guy MCing. We don’t know who the feature is ever or if there were any guest spots or anything. It’s also possible that Sean Rouse was just the comedian before him, but he hadn’t even won Funniest Person In Austin yet so my bet is that he was just Doug’s favorite young comic in Texas.

It’s such a road album. Clearly he is a The third track is a bit about doing comedy and working the road and getting a place to stay in a town for a week. The next is about how annoying tuck drivers are on every American highway. Within the first two tracks he’s let us in on who he is: a road comic. This is just another show in the five hundred he does a year in a city he likes. On track 8 he comments on a guy yelling out in the crowd. On the title track he asks the question, “Who came here to see me specifically tonight? (light smattering) How many people came to see whatever bag of shit was standing behind a microphone? (huge outcry)That’s the problem with comedy!”

The last two tracks are both long stories, the first is rather self explanatory, but I like the segway into it a lot. Clearly Doug has a cigarette in his mouth that he’s trying to light as he talks and a guy asks him to finish the midget story. He says there isn’t really a story to it, but “I got rolled by a transvestite hooker once. I’ll tell you that. Who here’s gotten rolled by a transvestite hooker before? All of you? Here’s my tale.” The last track, $5, is great and fits as Doug Stanhope’s closer. It ends with him saying, “What a country! God bless America and God bless you fine people. Good night,” which is extremely uplifting for him.

Stanhope’s first album is so much smoother than the rest, although still a lot rougher and looser than most people’s albums. It’s hilarious and original and he’s clearly a guy that can write a good joke, but loves to tell stories. Go listen to “Sicko”. You can listen to it for free here. For some reason it’s missing the first track though. I guess Napster bars holds.

Tonight I’m on Sunday Soiree at Botanica Bar on Houston St. in Manhattan. It’s my first time on the show so I’m excited and it’s run by my friend Ian Jensen. Come by! Why wouldn’t you?

Here’s a video showing you how to get there.

(212) 343-7251

47 E Houston St
New York, NY 10012

NEW YORK REALITY TV SCHOOL

That’s right! It’s real, and it’s here to work for you.

What is Reality TV School, you ask? Well, it’s exactly what it sounds like. At the school, a veritable Ivy League College for Reality TV knowledge, you learn what it takes to make in the world of unscripted television. With the accomplished staff (many of whom have honorary doctorates from the school), who will be taught how to mold and fabricate your personality so it best fits the budding medium. Not only that, but you might be lucky enough to sit in on guest lectures from such esteemed contestants on shows like:Survivor, The Bachelor, Beauty and the Geek, From G’s to Gents, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, Deal or No Deal, and many more.

But enough from me. Here are real blurbs and quotes, taken from the schools 4 by 4 inch pamphlet, which can be found sitting in coffee shops, taped to telephone poles, and in trashcans all over the city:

“If you ever thought you could be the next reality show superstar if only you had some coaching, then the New York Reality TV School was designed specifically for you.”

“Learn to be a REALITY STAR… The class dishes tips on clicking with casting directors and specializes in all types of exercises to help drop inhibitions, and get emotions rolling… the do’s and dont’s of making it on Reality TV!”

“Reality school teaches you the tricks of the trade. Students learn how to autdition, create an on air persona and parlay 15 minutes into a career.”

“New York Reality School encourages its students to ask, ‘Who am I?’ but if you’ve enrolled, you already know the answer: ‘I’m a star.’”

“… a hyperexcited brew of New Age self-actualization euphorics, personal testimonials, acting techniques – and a few surprises. The moral they convey: In reality TV, as in life, be yourself, to the max, only more so.”

And if that wasn’t enough to convince you, then just take a look at one of their graduates. Jorge Benersky was cast on Animal Planet’s “Groomer Has It” and finished in the top three on season one! He has since been hired as on-air personality and is now “Reality Royalty.”

Sounds too good to be true, doesn’t it? Well, it’s not.

Check out their website to enroll! We all know that a products quality can be judged on the quality of their website (just look at ours) so you know the school is Legit. Too legit to quit! Ha, you get it?

Hey, I’m going to start posting whenever I have a show you should check out. Okay? Okay.

Tonight I’m going to The Comedy Studio to potentially do a guest spot on the MC Mr. Napkins Show. I met Napkins in New York a couple months back and he is very funny. Check out his Anagram JammaJams

The comics booked on the show include Rick Canavan, Daniella Capolino, Hari Kondabolu, JJ Leslie, Maggie MacDonald, Matt McArthur,Ed Domingues, Dan Sulman, Reggie Williams.

Thanks! Maybe I’ll see you there!

After living in my apartment for three months, today my roommate’s cat Ziggy finally got the courage to come into my room. Ziggy and I are friends. He likes how I scratch him. But, normally, Ziggy hangs out in the kitchen and living room, which is fine with me. Sometimes, when I come home and no ones around, I catch him prowling around my door, and when I make my self known, he jumps and sprints down the hall.

But today, as I was eating in my room, watching 30 rock on my computer, I hear loud mewing and see a black and white paw sticking under my door. This is a surprise, but Ziggy’s pretty cool. I open the door for him, tell him to come on in. It takes him a minute, but he ventures in, we hang out.

About two minutes later, Ziggy the cat walks over to a box I use for recycling paper and jumps in. Cats being cats, I think to myself. Adorable… Until I hear the sound of a stream of liquid. Ziggy urinated in my paper box. I’m not happy.

I immediately take the box to the garbage and throw it out. I guess he thought it was a litter-box.

I get back upstairs, do my dishes, come back into my room, and find Ziggy sitting on my bed, looking at me funny. I shoo him off (I hate animal hair on my stuff, and I’m kind of mad at him already) and get back to the nothing I was doing before. But, I take a closer look, and now realize Ziggy has pissed on my bed! And I just changed the sheets last night, they were brand new!

So now I’m angry, and also wondering why this cat thinks it’s cool to do this. Is my room so disgusting that animals think it’s ok to deficate in it? And now that cat is standing outside my door crying to come in. Never again cat! My room is not a toilet!

My friend Jon Clarke runs a web site full of fun content called Playcole. One of the fun things he does is makes playlists of comedians doing an audio commentary over the director’s commentary of (usually) terrible movies. It’s always really fun to do. I’ve done three, but there are more at the site. Here’s the three I’ve done:

X-Men: The Last Stand
Prior to directing the third X-Men movie, Brett Ratner’s credits included Rush Hour, Mariah #1s, and Madonna: The Video Collection. Thus he was well prepared to direct this superhero blockbuster.

In this Play Cole Podcast, Jon Clarke, Mike Drucker, Mark Normand, Alex Grubard and Billy the Kid watch Brett Ratner go through Bryan Singer’s X-Men franchise with a fine-tooth pickaxe.

You know it’s a flashback when Patrick Stewart has creepily smooth skin.

Jon also has a blog he posts on every day called Not In My Book that’s on my blog roll. So check that out also.

Jingle All The Way
At a time when Arnold Schwarzenneggar can do no wrong, he does everything wrong. Jon Clarke, Mike Drucker and Alex Grubard create their own drinking game while Billy the Kid notes every mention of the word “Turboman”.

The Last Boy Scout
Tim Warner leads Jon Clarke and Alex Grubard through two hours of nonsense, explosions and Damon Wayans while Billy the Kid keeps the “swear count”. Head or gut!

I wrote a short piece for a blog called Six Sentences and posted it on their social network. 6S is a very sweet blog where people write whatever they want as long as it’s six sentences. Here’s the one I wrote.

My Girlfriend’s Birthday

I’m in a long distance relationship right now. Last month on a Saturday I went out with a few friends, got drunk and then went home to fall right asleep. I began to think of my girlfriend and then realized out loud, “Oh no! It’s Julie’s birthday today and I never wished her a happy birthday!” I called her and left a voicemail freaking out about how I’m the most terrible person for forgetting and how I don’t deserve anyone as bright and fantastic as she is. Twenty guilt ridden minutes later she sent me a text message that read: “My birthday isn’t for another two days.”

About a month ago, Alex posted this piece on an idea we came up with on the road.

Like subway scratchitti and cut-out art, the idea is to take the ads you see everyday and cover the actual ad text with thick black paint, leaving only the image by itself. This takes the commercial element out the image, and leaves it to stand on its own, so it displays its own text and message, void of the advertisers message.

This is what Alex originally wrote: When I’m walking down the street and see advertising everywhere I look I often wonder what those ads would convey if there was no product name or copy on it. Some things would just be a couple laughing. Some seem to have a deep meaning. Some are of people ripping their hair out of their heads while sitting at a computer. Most you look at and think, “What could that possibly be for?”

So, here are some more blacked-out ads (can you guess what they’re for?):

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Getting heckled at a show is always terrible, because anyone demanding a response has to be addressed and then the show takes an unprepared turn. Sometimes a heckler can be ignored, but most of the time a comedian will just verbally attack them. That’s what they want to do as a person, they have the authority to do and they are in a profession where they can do it very well. It’s so easy to make someone else look like an idiot when they are interrupting you and you are on a stage with a microphone. It’s like picking a fight a party with the person who owns the house. You’re going to be outnumbered.

Last night I did a show uptown and then went down to Comix with comedian Trey Galyon to check out Al Madrigal headline. It was the late show on a Friday and there were a lot of loud drunk people out with eight of their friends. One of them was getting heated for some dumb reason or another and then heckled Al. They were going to throw the guy out, but Al just let it slide, tried not to be a dick to him and kept going through his act.

I really thought it was noble of him and respect him for that. It’s so easy to go after a guy. It doesn’t happen that often, but every now and again someone is a disturbance that has to be dealt with. I’ve gone after drunks in the crowd a few times and you always end up looking like a champion. Sometimes it feels like it has to happen to get the rest of the show moving along. Last night Al didn’t attack the guy and that was great to see.

As a comic, sometimes I like to see a trainwreck. It’s kind of humbling, because heckling is a vicious cycle. Hecklers always say, “it’s all a part of the show,” or “you guys are supposed to be able to deal with that.” No, it’s not a part of the show; and yes, it is easy to deal with. But because hecklers think that it’s a part of the show they’ll keep doing it and it becomes a part of the show and since we get more practice in handling it we do end up dealing with it.

Good on you Al Madrigal! I’m impressed that you didn’t just bury that fucker into the ground. You got a couple of simple shots in, but you left that guy with some dignity. Although he clearly hated every minute, but that’s his own fucking fault, of course. That was the first time I’ve ever seen someone let a heckler off, but truth be told, I may stick to what works, y’know?

Watchmen was a movie I was really excited to see a few months ago, and was planning on seeing in the theaters, lost enthusiasm for as its release was nearing; I can’t really tell you why (besides that a few months ago I figured I would have read the comic by now, which I haven’t). And now with it’s mixed reviews, my non-desire to pay $12 for anything, and the absence of people to go with me, I decided to skip the theater and watch it online.

I don’t watch movies online. I don’t really have a reason for this. I tried to figure out why, and I came up with a few thin excuses. The first is a fear of viruses; but I watch plenty of TV shows online, and actually got a virus doing it once, so I don’t know why I won’t watch movies, but keep watching TV shows. I download a fair amount of torrents, usually foreign films that I can’t find anywhere and have been dying to see. I just watched Goddard’s Breathless and Contempt, along with 8 1/2 by Fellini, and I have Fritz Lang’s M waiting for me. I mentioned all those so you think I’m start and interesting. I also get really fidgety when I watch things on my computer, and I can’t keep still. I found hour long episodes of shows to be difficult if I’m not prepared, so a 3 hour movie almost seemed like chore more than a pleasure, like Rousseau’s neglected beggar. And, I would like to think most importantly, I really appreciate the medium of film, and I know how different and better the experience of watching a movie on a big screen is, and how much you can lose by watching it on a low-res tiny computer screen. Just ask David Lynch, he’ll tell you all about it. But, I wanted to see Watchmen, and I heard of a reputable sight for it, so I sucked it up, and spent my Sunday in the one seat cineplex of my Brooklyn apartment.

To be brief – found the site, found a decent quality cam version, with decent loading speed, and fidgeted away for 2 hours, watching people explode. All in all, not so bad, better than paying $12, insanely worse than the DVD on an HDTV will look in four months.

But, things were going well, things in the story are coming together, I’m a little confused but that’s cool, more people are dying, awesome, prison riot, sweet, the watchmen joining together in full costume, all right I’m rolling, more exploding people, mars, yeah! YEAH! here comes the plot twist, still confused but hopeful, ALRIGHT! I’m grooving, HERE WE GO… and what happens? It switches to German! All of a sudden I’m getting Rorschach’s voice-over coming at me in a gritty, frighteningly fascist tongue, things are blowing up, there’s some superstructure on Mars, I have no idea what’s going on.

.

I flip around on the time-bar, and find that it’s not all in German, it does switch back to English, but after some important verbal exposition by the characters, explaining probably the entire movie.

So,I skip to the English, watch the rest as confused as before.

Things were ok by the end; they laid out the story pretty thoroughly at the climax, and I got to enjoy it. But I still have no fucking clue what the guitarist from Still Water was building on Mars, and why it was no big deal that the latex chick shattered it, after what I assumed was a thought out and purposeful process and reasoning for an enormous stone clock, but whatever.

So is there a moral to my story? I think it parallels the moral of the movie. Do I need to explain?

I don’t know if I’m going to stream another movie online. Didn’t really do it for me. Back in college, two of my roommates, Juan and Taylor, they would download literally every movie that was available, and then burn them onto dvd so we could watch it on our 60 inch TV. I liked that better.

I’ll leave out my actual review of the movie, although I bet I would have liked it better if it was on a screen taking up my entire field of vision, and I didn’t have access to spider solitaire.