Soon, there will be a shift in the typical standard of beauty. Pale and Tan will switch places. Being tan be no more be more beautiful than being pale.
Being Pale proves you spend a lot of time indoors. It means that you have a job and work lots of hours. It also shows you have a home and don’t live outside. Conversely, Tanness means that you either work outside, laboring; don’t have a job at all and just wander around all day, like me; spend many hours outside in line for the soup kitchen; or sleep on a park bench.
Just like how at various moments in history being fat or chubby was considered more beautiful than being thin because it meant you could afford to eat, the whiter your skin is, the prettier you’ll be because it means you have the luxury of being able to afford cable TV.
Stay tuned for more future consequences of the economic meltdown.
Have you ever been to Vegas? How’d you do? When you get back from Vegas they always ask “how’d you do?” I was there three days and broke even. Never played. Let it be known, I despise Vegas.
Vegas is the worst city in the country. It’s not the worst city in the world, because no one there is starving. There’s enough buffet to keep everyone alive. I’ll give it that much credit.
They say, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” Well, there’s no clocks, no windows and no way out. Las Vegas would be the perfect place for a Kurt Russell movie. Escape From Las Vegas.
The casinos there are all terrible and they’re all the same. Whether you’re at the MGM Grand or Circus Circus. They’re all the same. Everything in a casino looks like it’s from 1975. That’s why old people like to go there; it makes them feel young again. And these people walking around them, constantly juggling between their bucket of quarters, their cigarette and their Bud Light. If you haven’t noticed it’s impossible to sit on one of the stools at a slot machine and not look like a fat American.
You think you’re going to see poker, blackjack, craps, but a casino is only maze after maze of slot machines. There might be a poker table somewhere being played on by four millionaires and Ben Affleck, but we commoners are even allowed in there.
And they play these slot machines. The slots. Why would anyone ever play a slot machine? It’s not a deck of cards, it’s a machine. They have no idea what’s going on in there. Did they build the machine? No, that’s why they’re playing them. I’ll tell you what a slot machine does: you put money in it, it lights up, that’s it. It’s a lamp. They’re putting money into a lamp and expecting it to give them money back. Even the lab rat stops pushing the button when the scientist stops giving it food.
Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Good; keep it contained. Quarantine it. I don’t want it bleeding into the rest of the world.
What’s really sad is that Vegas is gambling with all this glitz and glamor, but what you forget is the rest of Nevada also has legalized gambling. So in every nowhere Nevada town there’s eight casinos. Except they’re not just casinos; it’s all the buildings a town would normally have plus a casino. I was about to step into a gas station and casino when I saw the ugliest woman I had ever seen step out of the casino part and walk straight out the door to her car. I stopped dead in my tracks. Then the craziest man I had ever seen walked by her, checked her out, then without taking his eyes off her walked right into the casino. It was a very “thank God I’m not them” moment.
Hey, so I did a contest last week and lost, but then got an email a few days later saying I won! Maybe one of the other winners got struck by lightning. I hope they get better soon. Not too soon. Like after 8 PM tonight. Come on out and support! I promise to be good!
One of the biggest debates these days is about health care. I am for universalized health care. The enemy is not. They say privatized health care: no ifs, and or buts. Fools! They say it costs a lot of money. Cowards! They say the quality of the care will be weak. Villians!
All right, everybody, I’m creating an alternate reality. It’s very important that you stick with me on this. Otherwise it will never work. I need you to believe everything I am about to tell you is real. Let’s just say that we make practicing medicine mandatory in this country for four years. Right before college. You go to kindergarden, you graduate high school, four years reaching into people’s guts and stuff, right into Lansing Community College. It’s the perfect solution. More people means better care. Plus, if everyone learns how to take care of each other then they’ll know how to take care of themselves better and won’t have to go to the hospital as often. “Honey, dinner’s on the table. Oh, I also cut myself with a steak knife. I’m applying pressure to the wound, but could you get the gauze and sewing kit.” “Where are they?” “Next to the gun.”
Oh, also in this universe guns are mandatory. That’s why we had to make becoming a medical professional mandatory in the first place. Everyone is given a Desert Eagle at age five. People do not live long is this dimension. I’m sorry to break it to you, but most don’t even get to go to Lansing Community College.
Now you’re thinking you don’t want to become a nurse. You don’t want to become a doctor. It’s just like the army. They’ll find somewhere for you. You can work with computers.
You’re saying you don’t want to work in a hospital. They creep you out. You don’t like the sight of blood. Go to jail.
You’re saying you lost your arm in the war. You’re blind. You can’t work in a hospital. Go to jail.
These are important questions, but Big Brother does not like questioning. Go to jail.
So boom, there it is everyone. I solved health care. Put this one in the win column. Everything’s rose colored now. But wait. You’re saying, Alex, the problem is really cost. Congress doesn’t see a way to pay for it all. How are we going to pay for all of that? I say Fuck you.
It’s been a very long while since I’ve posted anything here, and I apologize for that. I was away for about three weeks (two in Italy and one in Boston), but I’ve been back for another week now. I want to get back into the swing of blogging on this site, so this post is going to be about nothing, but will hopefully get the transcendentalist juices flowing again. You don’t have to read this, it probably won’t be interesting.
Once again, thank you to everyone at the Boston show. We had a great time doing it, and I hope you had a great time too, either watching it or helping out like so many did. It would be awesome to do a show there again, and we’re even talking about taking the show on the road more. The next show might even be in New Hampshire!
My job as a tutor is about to end, so that means I’m going to have to find another one. The process starts over. I’m trying to figure out how to really get paid for writing because what I’m doing now isn’t working so well. I am writing a lot more recently, which I feel really good about,but the question of course is the next step. I’ll keep you updated on what happens.
Also, I’m moving out of Brooklyn for a few months. I’ll be subletting Zeke’s room in the village. I’m excited to be there and very happy about moving out of my current place. Things were OK before but not great and the past few days they’ve been getting really weird and I can’t handle it. Stories for another time. I still haven’t explored my current neighborhood, but hopefully I’ll move back to the area after August. Living in Brooklyn is pretty nice.
So this just became an update on my life. Sorry about that, I’m sure most you don’t care. Next post will be a good one, I promise.
Anything else? The Lakers won the NBA finals. I usually like watching finals celebrations, but I turned this one off pretty quick. It was just really boring. I said to Stacey at the time that it felt like a bunch of guys who were just acting how they thought someone was supposed to act when the one the finals. It seemed really weird. The next day I read a Bill Simmons Article about the game and he said the exact same things I had said the night before. I knew I was right.
I’ve been having a pretty great month bouncing around from place to place, doing shows here and there, hanging out, having fun, beach, lobster, crawfish, meat. It’s all good. Went to New Orleans, Santa Fe, back to NY, to Boston, Transcendentalist Television 4 was fantastic, back to NY, up to Maine and now finally back in Brooklyn for an extended period. Again, Dan and I can’t thank everyone enough for making Transcendentalist Television 4: The Show Heard Round The World so amazing. Everyone had a ball and is now officially a member of The New Transcendentalists, even if their title is only macaroni shaker. We’ll be getting videos up as soon as we become intelligent enough to do that. We have them! I swear! Also, in the future you may see some other people contributing content on this web site besides Dan and I. We know everything we say is brilliant, but these other New Transcendentalists are too. Don’t fret!
Also, I’ll be performing on Comedy Party USA at The Pinch in the village tonight at 8 PM. It’s a small contest that I hope to at least have a good set on. So come on out and support, why don’tcha?!
Friday night we’ll be transcending New York City and hosting Transcendentalist Television in Brighton, Massachusetts. It’s our first show in the Greater City of Boston and were are wicked fecking excited about it, dude! All of that was said in a Boston accent. The last sentence was not. I don’t know what accent I’m saying this sentence in; probably Turkish.
Here’s the info:
Friday June 5th
9 PM
Brighton, Massachusetts
Castlebar (575 Washington Ave.)
$5
It’s gonna be a great time. $7 Amber Bock Pitchers too. That is not to be beaten. I pay like $13 for a Miller Lite pitcher. Well, I don’t pay it, but that’s what they charge for it and that is why I am forced to steal their beer. It’s the businesses that make me do it!
I’m doing Ed Sullivan On Acid in Freddy’s Backroom at 9 PM. It’s hosted by the hilarious Pat O’Shea who holds quite a good standing in my respect. He recently came out with a CD (Not Friendly) and he is from Boston, Massachusetts, which does put you in my favor. He also has a great looking headshot and show that has been going strong for over five years.
Also, Transcendentalist Television is this Friday in Brighton, Massachusetts at Castlebar at 9 PM! Can you believe it?! We’ve got Daniel M. Solomon back with the segment Make Me A Movie and our house band is going to be outstanding! Dan and I have a lot of special things planned. Don’t you worry. You don’t have to make any plans except plans to come! Isn’t that perfect? Did I mention that there are really cheap pitchers of beer? And not a ‘Light’ or a ‘Pabst’ but something with a ‘Boc’. Wow.
