Have you ever been to Vegas? How’d you do? When you get back from Vegas they always ask “how’d you do?” I was there three days and broke even. Never played. Let it be known, I despise Vegas.
Vegas is the worst city in the country. It’s not the worst city in the world, because no one there is starving. There’s enough buffet to keep everyone alive. I’ll give it that much credit.
They say, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” Well, there’s no clocks, no windows and no way out. Las Vegas would be the perfect place for a Kurt Russell movie. Escape From Las Vegas.
The casinos there are all terrible and they’re all the same. Whether you’re at the MGM Grand or Circus Circus. They’re all the same. Everything in a casino looks like it’s from 1975. That’s why old people like to go there; it makes them feel young again. And these people walking around them, constantly juggling between their bucket of quarters, their cigarette and their Bud Light. If you haven’t noticed it’s impossible to sit on one of the stools at a slot machine and not look like a fat American.
You think you’re going to see poker, blackjack, craps, but a casino is only maze after maze of slot machines. There might be a poker table somewhere being played on by four millionaires and Ben Affleck, but we commoners are even allowed in there.
And they play these slot machines. The slots. Why would anyone ever play a slot machine? It’s not a deck of cards, it’s a machine. They have no idea what’s going on in there. Did they build the machine? No, that’s why they’re playing them. I’ll tell you what a slot machine does: you put money in it, it lights up, that’s it. It’s a lamp. They’re putting money into a lamp and expecting it to give them money back. Even the lab rat stops pushing the button when the scientist stops giving it food.
Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Good; keep it contained. Quarantine it. I don’t want it bleeding into the rest of the world.
What’s really sad is that Vegas is gambling with all this glitz and glamor, but what you forget is the rest of Nevada also has legalized gambling. So in every nowhere Nevada town there’s eight casinos. Except they’re not just casinos; it’s all the buildings a town would normally have plus a casino. I was about to step into a gas station and casino when I saw the ugliest woman I had ever seen step out of the casino part and walk straight out the door to her car. I stopped dead in my tracks. Then the craziest man I had ever seen walked by her, checked her out, then without taking his eyes off her walked right into the casino. It was a very “thank God I’m not them” moment.
