The cliche, I think, is that the youth of the nation knows everything about the internet. Most people think that if you’re born after Watergate you can do internet things as well as William Gates. The internet is not for old people. They don’t understand it like us young guns.

I understand the internet. I get that Geocities web sites are pieces of shit and why Hopstop serves more of a purpose for me than Mapquest (Hopstop is so great, by the way. I use it way more than I need to. I can get around this city better than King Kong and yet I still look up how to get to Bleecker and Bowery on a web site).

Now I would like to inform you all that I know nothing of the internet! Uploading videos, registering domain names, buying the Snuggie, I can’t seem to do any of it!

Today I tried uploading a video of my stand-up comedy joke speeches on Vimeo and it took 3 and a half hours. From the moment I woke up at 1 PM to the moment I had my pre-dinner snack of a carrot covering in basil. Then when it was all finished I went to watch the video and I was brought to a page that stated, “This video failed to upload.” My world came crashing down. I will never get those 3 and a half hours back and now my life is completely ruined. No lie.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. When I was fourteen or fifteen I decided that it would be a good and fun idea to learn HTML. Like learning a new language. “Today I decide I am going to speak French.” So I bought a book on HTML that was over 1,000 pages. I read every page; mostly in a hotel room on a family vacation no doubt. I retained none of it. And I don’t mean since I read the book I cannot remember anything. I mean I finished the last page and went, “I’m still dumb now!”

There you have it. The internet is one of the limits of my brain. I can’t figure it out. It exists and that’s good enough for me. My relationship with the internet is I will continue to browse it with severe intensity and make the occasional blog post. Don’t expect any DIY internet companies from me though.