I understand the internet. I get that Geocities web sites are pieces of shit and why Hopstop serves more of a purpose for me than Mapquest (Hopstop is so great, by the way. I use it way more than I need to. I can get around this city better than King Kong and yet I still look up how to get to Bleecker and Bowery on a web site).

Now I would like to inform you all that I know nothing of the internet! Uploading videos, registering domain names, buying the Snuggie, I can’t seem to do any of it!

Today I tried uploading a video of my stand-up comedy joke speeches on Vimeo and it took 3 and a half hours. From the moment I woke up at 1 PM to the moment I had my pre-dinner snack of a carrot covering in basil. Then when it was all finished I went to watch the video and I was brought to a page that stated, “This video failed to upload.” My world came crashing down. I will never get those 3 and a half hours back and now my life is completely ruined. No lie.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. When I was fourteen or fifteen I decided that it would be a good and fun idea to learn HTML. Like learning a new language. “Today I decide I am going to speak French.” So I bought a book on HTML that was over 1,000 pages. I read every page; mostly in a hotel room on a family vacation no doubt. I retained none of it. And I don’t mean since I read the book I cannot remember anything. I mean I finished the last page and went, “I’m still dumb now!”

There you have it. The internet is one of the limits of my brain. I can’t figure it out. It exists and that’s good enough for me. My relationship with the internet is I will continue to browse it with severe intensity and make the occasional blog post. Don’t expect any DIY internet companies from me though.