Being Pale proves you spend a lot of time indoors. It means that you have a job and work lots of hours. It also shows you have a home and don’t live outside. Conversely, Tanness means that you either work outside, laboring; don’t have a job at all and just wander around all day, like me; spend many hours outside in line for the soup kitchen; or sleep on a park bench.

Just like how at various moments in history being fat or chubby was considered more beautiful than being thin because it meant you could afford to eat, the whiter your skin is, the prettier you’ll be because it means you have the luxury of being able to afford cable TV.

Stay tuned for more future consequences of the economic meltdown.